I used to be a serious, no exceptions, non-counter of egg-trapped chicks. It was a mindset that came with youth for me, but also one I adopted because of the fear of a jinx – that if I wished for something too hard, that if I didn’t guard it with my whole self, the world would know my wish and that would make it not come true. I guess I thought the world was against me. Typical teenager. Something must’ve happened where I thought I was going to win student of the month or something and so really thought I was going to get it, so I planned my outfit for the announcement day and then the outfit was a waste because I didn’t win that month. Who knows.
But now I’m older and wiser and I know that, for me, jinxes are silly and excuses not to dream, wish and hope. So I thought I’d stopped containing my dreams for the most part. Until last week. When I realised that after seeing a place we wanted to buy (and starting the process and getting thisclose only to have a friend of the buyer swoop in and steal 1st priority) and imagining us in it and the guests we’d entertain and the furniture we’d buy, I hesitated to put pen to paper (or typed words to Macbook sticky, as the case may be) to list all the things we’d need to buy to furnish it. I do think it was less about jinxing and more about controlling my excitement, but still. I did end up making the list, because I realised I was regressing to a pre-teen version of myself, as well as because I WANTED to dream! I wanted to be ready to populate that place with all our new things asap!
I also thought I’d grown to believe that things happen as they do, maybe for a reason, and that of course there will always be factors outside of our control. And that because maybe something better will happen as a result, I should let things go, especially when I can’t do anything about it anyway. C’est la vie, que será, etc. But here also, I failed. I was angry and upset and so disappointed and I let it ruin my mood (and others’) for a day or two. I guess there’s always room to grow and improve and sometimes we need something we don’t want to happen to happen to remember that. To remember that it’s not always going to be a beautiful morning, a beautiful day, that everything won’t always go my way. We don’t live in Oklahoma, after all.
So now I’m just trying to figure out how to achieve that perfect balance, because I’ve heard conflicting thoughts in some of my favorite lyrics!
Is a dream a wish your heart makes? Or shouldn’t you even start dreaming, because wishing only wounds the heart?